I Like Monkeys I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple of thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. Then they punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well totheir new environment. They would sreech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway through its third hour. Two hours later, I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser,hanging from the bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried flushing one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer,so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had, one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor was not improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat at one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know what to say. They pretended that they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals. The End / \ | | |.| |.| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |:| __ Jesse Walker (UC Berkeley Freshman) ,_|:|_, / ) http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/2961 (Oo / _I_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +\ \ || __| \ \||___| \ /.:.\-\ |.:. /-----\ |___|::oOo::| / |:<_J_>:| |_____\ ::: / | | \ \:/ | | | | \ / | \__ / | \____\ `-'